A Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

I'm not very good to you sometimes. I'm not very kind and gentle. I expect you to see the worst of the world, the injustice, the suffering, the pain, in the States and in my current home, and I just expect you to keep on plugging, keep on pushing. I haven't given you very much time to process the deep pain and suffering you've seen and felt. And for that, I'm very, very sorry.
It's in the quiet days of listening to worship music, a sermon, cooking, cleaning, that I get to digest the things my soul has seen, has bore witness to. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've let other peoples thoughts and actions invalidate you. I'm sorry I haven't trusted you a lot of the time. I'm sorry I've let you trust people that have proven to not be trustworthy. That happens in this life, even when you're being careful, but I'm sorry I haven't given you the time and safe space to grieve and feel that.

I'm sorry to my heart.

I'm sorry because you're a good heart. You have a lot of compassion, a lot of passion, a lot of energy, and positive motion to give to the world. I'm sorry I haven't given you time to feel because when I don't give you time to feel I end up all cynical and bitter. And that's not really what my heart feels... not deep down.

I'm sorry to my heart. I'll do better.

I've found us a safe quiet space that is becoming a home. A safe space where you, heart, can feel and process and think and be quiet and still. I've found a space for us heart, I'm trying to do better for us. I've even got plants and live things in this beautiful place and it's really turning into quite a home.

I'm trying to do better for us, heart.

It's not fair. It's not fair all the things you've seen, heart. All the things you've seen and talked about and bore witness to. It's not fair. I don't know how to protect you from the injustice of the world, heart, because it's all around us, it's all around me every day. Heart, you're so beaten and bruised and deformed from the extent of brokenness you've seen and experienced.

I'm sorry heart. I know my God will heal you.

And I know it's my job to create a space for that, heart. To listen to you, my heart. To stop avoiding, to stop working, to stop all the deeds, to stop comparing myself to all the poor and suffering that are on my doorstep daily, and for a minute, to listen to you, heart. To recognize you, heart. To acknowledge you, heart. And most importantly, to feel you, heart.

I'm sorry I haven't let myself feel you, heart, I promise I'll do a better job of that.

There's beauty all around us, heart, Even in this broken world, there is. And we can't see the beauty and simplicity in the every day life if I don't listen to you, heart, and let you speak, heart.

I will let your voice be heard, my heart.

I will spend more time listening to you, heart, and giving you space and time to feel... the pain, the suffering, the grief, but also the beauty, the miracles, the simplicity, the relationships, the freedom. You have a strong voice, heart. A voice I've tried to stifle and silence and avoid and neglect. I'll give you the space and safety to speak your voice, my heart.

I will listen to you and honor you and be kinder to you, my heart.

I love you my heart. You have been good to me. You are kind. You are strong. You are smart. You have a lot to offer this world, my heart.

I'll do better, my heart. I'll do better.

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